Precious Cargo – Review

If I were to find the most apt comparison to Precious Cargo, it would have to be likening it to the genre of pornography known colloquially as “Scat,” that is to say, I’m sure that there are people out there who enjoy that sort of shit (if you’ll pardon the pun) but they would do well to keep their opinion on what they enjoy viewing in private to themselves. If only to save them the embarrassment of people saying “Ewwwwwwww, why would you admit that? And who are you anyway?” But I digress.

If, somehow, you were unable to get the gist of what my feelings on Precious Cargo are, then allow me to summarise. It’s terrible, completely and utterly terrible. I have sat through some worthless dreck in my time, but this one really takes the cake with just how banal, dull, dreary and clichéd the entire affair is. Should you enter a situation where watching this film is an inevitability, I would strongly recommend faking a heart attack to escape.

Now you are suitably forewarned, on to the heart of the review: Precious Cargo stars Mark-Paul Gosselaar as Jack, the Michaelangelo of Crime, who is drafted into a heist by his ex-girlfriend Karen (Claire Forlani), only to discover that he was stealing from the villainous Eddie (played by Bruce “Yippee-Ki-Yay-Motherfucker” Willis.) What follows is something the director probably hopes is a tense game of cat and mouse, only the mouse died several months ago, and the cat’s been sleeping in the sun for the past several hours and has no intention of moving unless food is somewhere in the offing.

The biggest problem with the entire film is the script. The entire plot feels like it was created from a decoupage of the rejected pages of Ocean’s Eleven, so much so that within half an hour, I was able to complete the majority of my “Terrible Action Movie Cliché” Bingo Card, only needing the “Dramatic showdown where the villain thinks he’s won” trope to achieve a full house. Unfortunately, that didn’t come to till the end, forcing me to sit through the entire thing before I was able to claim my prize (a bottle of scotch and a revolver, for those who are curious.)

The plot of the film (such as it is) exists purely to fumble along lethargically until the next lacklustre action sequences, and manages to do so with all the grace of a drunken elephant. Any dialogue within the 90 minutes seems to be made up of short, sharp, singular sentences that are batted between the characters, who proceed to react to a “heated” speedboat chase and gun battle with all the same enthusiasm as a routine trip to the dentist.

Said speedboat chase also highlights the distinct lack of chemistry between any of the characters. At first, I thought the acting was just bad. It is, don’t get me wrong, but large flaws such as that become gaping chasms when combined with the lack of emotion shown between the T-800’s they somehow managed to reprogram after saving Sarah Connor. Actually, I take that back, the T-800 was shown to at least understand the concept of human feelings before it got incinerated.

Perhaps most worryingly of all is the way the film treats 95% of its women as blonde, large breasted, sex-obsessed, bitches with about as much depth as a puddle. It reaches the point where one starts to question whether the writer and director possibly shot this whilst working through a bad break-up. The rampant misogyny that permeates any scene with an unnamed female is truly disturbing to view in this day and age.

Despite all this, Bruce Willis makes a vain attempt to breathe life into the whole affair, but he is ultimately let down by his very first scene where he repeats the line “Looks like they were dipped in shit” far more times than any self-respecting human being would find acceptable. Following his opening scene, Willis’ character proceeds to spout quasi-philosophical bullshit at every turn, twisting the knife into the lifeless corpse of deep meaning and subtlety with every syllable uttered.

Precious Cargo is a terrible film that features lines of dialogue that will go down in history as more idiotic than a meth-head spouting gibberish. It isn’t until the credits roll and you see the outtakes of a group of people having a fun time on the set of a film that you’ll remember that they’re people too, and it is a little mean to slag ofpeople who are obviously enjoying themselves.

Then again, when a film is this bad, it’s hard not to.


The Intervention – Brand New Trailer!

Have you ever seen a family member or friend take the wrong road? Have you ever seen them tumble down the stray path? Have you ever wanted to confront them and help bring them home?

That’s an Intervention is about and here’s a brand new film revolving about a very specific intervention.

Starring Cobie Smulders, Natasha Lyonne, Ben Schwartz, Clea DuVall, and many more actors, The Intervention revolves around a group of family and friends who gather to confront a husband and wife whose marriage has deteriorated. However, they all learn

The Intervention looks like a classic festival comedy but with all this acclaim coming from critics, it certainly looks to levitate away from festival goers and independent movie lovers. One thing is for sure, the cast is definitely good.

What do you think?


Loving – Brand New Trailer & Featurette!

We absolutely love Ruth Negga. She has quickly become one of our favourite actresses. Ever since her stint on Misfits, she has risen the ranks of important, brilliant, beautiful, and intellectual people to ever grace our globe and that looks to continue with the new film Loving.

Similar to An United Kingdom, Loving revolves around a real-life interracial couple who, despite being married for nine years, have to battle to live as a family in their hometown.

Directed and written by Jeff Nichols, the film should be a stirring and overly captivating affair with Negga right at the centre of it. She also appears opposite Joel Edgerton which means it’s going to be a must-see movie!


Star Trek Beyond – “The Making of Sledgehammer” Featurette

Right, I’m a little bit biased because I haven’t stopped listening to this song since its release. I mean, I am literally consumed by this song. I am so overcome with how amazing this song is and, here, you can learn about the making of that colourful and sci-fi enchanting song.

Star Trek Beyond sees director Justin Lin take the director’s chair as Kirk and his crew face their biggest challenge yet. As they explore unchartered space, they encounter a mysterious new enemy who puts everything they stand for to test.

While Rihanna doesn’t seem like the perfect fit for the Star Trek series, her song Sledgehammer is by far one of the most epic popular songs of moviedom that echoes the strife and struggle of the Enterprise.

It’s just an amazing song!


Men and Chicken – Review

Shortly after their father dies, brothers Gabriel and Elias (both afflicted with a questionable state of mental health) discover that they are in fact adopted. They learn that their real father lives on a very sparsely populated island called Ork, where they subsequently travel to in order to try and find out a bit more about him. When they arrive they discover that they have three other half-brothers living together in their father’s house while the old man (who is now almost 100 years old now by the way) lives upstairs and is not to be disturbed. While Elias soon begins to feel right at home with his newfound family (who also exhibit similar mental health imbalances), Gabriel grows suspicious over the true nature of who his father really is after making discoveries relating to his past in stem cell experimentation.

Men & Chicken is a film that wears its eccentricities on its sleeve and this becomes clear from the very beginning. Our introduction to Elias (Mikkelsen) sees him exhibit a clever way to get his dreams analyzed by a psychoanalyst without having to pay for it, swiftly followed by a trip to a public bathroom to pleasure himself. This man clearly has a few issues going on. He is prone to aggressive outbursts that are portrayed as both comical and disturbing in equal measure and lets just say his people skills could do with a bit of fine-tuning. It is an almost unrecognisable turn from Mads Mikkelsen, who English-speaking audiences will know mostly as TV’s Hannibal Lecter and Casino Royale’s Bond villain Le Chiffre. But while Lecter and Le Chiffre gave Mikkelson an outlet to exhibit his natural charisma for holding the viewer’s eye by means of little more than a knowing stare, Elias is a whole different thing. This character is uptight, rude and at times very, very funny without ever meaning to be. It’s nice to see the acclaimed Danish actor showing off some of his range and indulging in something reminiscent of his early acting roots (this marks his fourth collaboration with writer-director Anders Thomas Jensen). The supporting cast are all very capable too, David Dencik as Gabriel being a particular standout.

While there are some strong performances here, the biggest problem with Men & Chicken is that it is just too weird. This may be billed as a black comedy, and it very much is, but what it doesn’t say on the tin is that the farcical elements on display are interspersed with genuinely unnerving themes that upset the film’s tonal balance. You will laugh at these brothers hitting each other on the head with rolling pins and dead birds, but you’re never really sure if you SHOULD be laughing at these people. There are also some key reveals late in the game that threaten to hammer down the boundaries of taste.

It’s difficult to fully understand what Jensen is trying to say with this film. There are several recurring themes that run throughout, including what it means to be human, succumbing to base desires and the importance of family. However, the way it approaches this suggests an outlandish desire to maybe try and say a bit too much at once, which is ambitious when the outlet for these themes are a core group of characters all lacking in relatable social skills.

Somewhere beneath the weirdness there is a very sweet and even sensitive film here. But it is too well hidden behind something that could easily be described as The Three Stooges meets The Island of Dr. Moreau. It’s got its moments most definitely, but unfortunately audience goers will likely remember this one for the bizarre factor rather than the nicer character moments.