Unpopped Kernels: The Last Witch Hunter – Review

There needs to be a better appreciation for crap movies, I reckon. Too often we expect far too much from our movies that we don’t give them a chance to breathe; suffocating the creation with our neediness to pump out lucrativeness that satisfies us right to our very loins. To be fair to ourselves, as we grow older and we become more aware of the sheer exhausting amount of films that our churned on a weekly basis. It’s natural to feel barraged by movies, as though we’re going round in circles of dramas, romantics, and action type romps that feel hauntingly similar. From the brilliant “Oh my god, you have to see it” films, to the deceptive “wow, this should’ve been a whole lot better,” there’s an ebbing river of films that know exactly how cheesy they are and they relish in the shittiness of it all – enjoying  moderate audience that meets their creations with furore.

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On that last option, there are a list of movies that regularly make our list and most of them are fantastical – Beautiful Creatures, Underworld, and Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters, to name but a few. Talking about Witch Hunters (excellent segue, Cookie), the titular last of them is well-accepted into this group as it is the kind of movie that people will remark “it looks shit..”

And your response will be, gloriously, “Yes. And that’s why I need to watch it.”

The Last Witch Hunters revolves around Coulder – a warrior who was cursed a long time ago and has lived 800 years battling all types of creepy magical types like a motherfucking boss (but sadly, losing his hair.) After defeating the Witch Queen who gave him his immortality powers, Coulder has helped the monk led Axe and Cross group defeat all who dares to try and take over the world – rude! Anyway, after his confidant Dolan dies suspiciously, Coulder enlists Dolan’s next in line and a bar owning Witch to help stop the Queen from rising again.

The Last Witch Hunter is one of those films where you can recognise that it is bad but I can’t actually pinpoint elements I thoroughly hated. Ok, so let’s start with the story; this is basically a set-up to a bigger franchise and that filling lingers throughout the whole film. Much like Captain America: The First Avenger, this feels like an introduction to characters rather than a vital film to embrace and therefore is dull in many different places. There is that clear sense that the studio has already sold its soul for sequels which, I’ll happily welcome, but that means that characters here suffer. For example, it’s hard to imagine Elijah Wood having fallen so far into the pits of acting Mordor after his success of Lord of The Rings yet it is clear here. His character is in about five scenes and all of them are pointless to the overall arc of the story and his twist is so insanely predictable that it’s almost a waste of a pay-check. Also, The Witch Queen, though creepy and certainly how I end up looking at the end of my nights’ out, is a wasted villain who never really commands the fear and tension she should…again adding to that somewhat tedium at dully rings throughout the film.

In similar respects, I can’t really point out the excellent parts of The Last Witch Hunter, or why I even chose it as an Unpopped Kernel, but I can say I thoroughly enjoyed it. I’m not saying Vin Diesel is an amazing actor but his best performance is three words in Guardians of the Galaxy, showing emotions through different inflictions and the like. That being said, his stoic and almost feeling free portrayal of Coulder here works and he is able to grasp the plight of Coulder. He also looks badass as a Danish Viking Witch Killer from the past WITH HAIR and that all comes together seamlessly. But the biggest highlight is Game of Thrones’ Rose Leslie as Chloe who is rambunctious, daring, fun, and magical to watch. Plus their chemistry is action-packed that will leave you wanting them to fuck and not all at once (though it is nice that they leave as best friends forever rather than do the smoochy smooch).

The Last Witch Hunter is brilliant for those who want to lose themselves on a world where magic is rampant and a bulky Vin Diesel stomps around trying stop evil. The movie feels more like a set up for a series that hopefully has already been announced because you will leave with the gleeful in the promise that the stunning and eloquent Leslie and the tough Diesel are totally BFFs trying to snuff the bad people before they set the world on fire. Not going to lie, that’s something I would watch the shit out of.


The Last Witch Hunter is available on Netflix! 

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